Autism- Before Girls Were Autistic
It’s comical to me, looking back on my body of work, that there was ever a time when I was not diagnosed as autistic. Nevertheless, I just got my diagnosis in 2024. I self diagnosed in 2017. I’ve been autistic since 1980.
I also have ADHD and it’s only been within the last decade that I’ve been able to work with my ADHD rather than be punished for it.
History
Schizophrenia
Autistics used to be diagnosed with schizophrenia. The term autism didn’t exist until 1908, and it was seen as a type of schizophrenia.
This video, regardless of how it’s labeled, clearly shows an autistic who has been misdiagnosed as a person with schizophrenia. The video is disturbing.
The history of autism is riddled with doctors and researchers finger-pointing, blame-avoiding, fame-seeking, and dehumanizing autistics.
There is still so much to be said for Humans Healing Humans
Gender
ADHD is tricky too.
All of these look at gender as a binary. In reality, autistics are much more likely to be non-binary and trans.
My Experience
My first grade teacher wanted to put me on Ritalin. My mom was angry at the overstep, and she seemed to understand that I was really bored and had difficulty concentrating. While she still put pressure on me to conform, she also fought my teacher.
Mom sent me to school with crochet projects, and needlepoint, so my hands could stay busy during lessons. It helped quite a bit, but I needed a lot more help.
In second grade, I spent a chunk of nearly every day in the basement, by myself in the copy room of our cottage style building, doing the work I was too distracted to do upstairs. No surprises, I was also distracted downstairs.
Every parent teacher conference was the same.
“Delight to have in class”…
“So much potential…”
“Just won’t apply herself…”
“If I could just keep her on task…”
“Sometimes we have to isolate her so others can get their work done…”
There were a lot of times when I wasn’t allowed to contribute, because the teachers wanted to hear from other students. I was supposed to pay attention, but I wasn’t allowed to play along.
I had terrible time management skills, and didn’t encounter a planner until 9th grade. Even then I would delight at organizing it, and getting it all ready, and would abandon it entirely within a week or so.
My room, my backpacks, my lockers and desks were always a disaster. I was not taught how to organize. I was not taught how to clean. I was not taught how to plan. I was blamed for not doing it on my own.
I would get overexcited about things that I found interesting, and I would want to share them with other people who could care less.
I preferred the company of adults even though I could tell that they were politely tolerating me. I couldn’t figure out how to be less annoying. I couldn’t figure out how to get my energy to go where it was supposed to go.
Every autistic and ADHD trait became something that could be criticized and punished. I still liked myself but every day I learned to mask a little better. Masking requires keeping your authenticity to yourself. I was already doing quite a bit of that.
Undiagnosed by Protyus A. Gendher
I was one of the twitchy kids
At least that’s what I called us
The ones who didn’t fit in
Who were easily discarded
I didn’t understand dynamics
Everyone else seemed to know
They all fell in line
While I followed in tow
Even with my siblings
Who all knew what to do
Social wasn’t natural
And it got worse in school
Too smart for my own good
Termed the teacher’s pet
And every time that I spoke up
Someone seemed upset
My stims were all annoying
To everyone but me
I remember Grandma yelling at me
To stand still and quit moving
Why are you always rocking?
Why can’t you just stop
And I chewed my hair and twisted it
Tying it in knots
I was too loud, I talked too much
Never shutting up
My brain a freight train on full blast
An overflowing cup
Everything I was good at
Somehow made me less
Who cared that I made works of art
And aced every test
Every single thing I did
marking me as different
Regardless of how hard I tried
I remained a social dissident
Vocabulary words
Came quite easily to me
By junior high my nickname
Was human dictionary
They didn’t mean it nicely
But I couldn’t stop myself
Eventually, I learned to mask
And keep the answers to myself
Alone on the playground
Not invited to play
Not relating to other kids
I stayed by the teacher’s aide
I would fixate on things
And become all about it
But no one shared my interests
The distance between us clouded
Even now I struggle
With the simplest of questions
When asked, “How’s it going?”
I stumble and it gets messy
“Fine,” seems like a lie
“Good,” goes way too far
“Shitty,” is an overshare
Masking is really hard
Sometimes I perseverate
And I can’t just move on
From a topic or behavior
While everyone else has moved on
I found it so hard to focus
And I tried to be a good kid
But how do you attend to things
When your mind won’t stick?
But I was never diagnosed
Because I “wasn’t that bad”
Just had to get my shit together
And leave twitchy as a fad
I was never diagnosed
Because Autism was for boys
I just needed to reprogram myself
Until I could be enjoyed
I needed to somehow try harder
Though I was hated for being too much
Screwed in both directions
Keeping me safely out of touch
I’ll never be diagnosed
Or validated by doctors
I think it’s maybe too late
To have my personhood proctored
Finally, as an adult
I found my self-diagnosis
I found my place with others
With similar prognosis
Twitchy kids like me
Who are busy seeing truth
Whose worth is so much more
Than the tragedies of our youth
If I’m not autistic
It’s still where I belong
Where I found a home
To finally sing my song
References
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10280197/
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?