Heartbreak and Hoofbeats by Protyus A. Gendher
Heartbreak and Hoofbeats
Professionals are trained to unsee me
Even when they’re looking for things unseen
They can’t or won’t or don’t look deep
Even when I spread it all out before their eyes
Tying pieces together like an episode of CSI
Flimsy red string connecting the bits of the puzzle
But they listen like I’m muzzled
All because of hoof beats
An antiquated teaching
About assuming the easy thing
“When you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras”
Putting a distance between us
And the care we need
To survive in these bodies
Think horses not Zebras
The imperative
But Zebras exist
Zebras are really really real
And feeling like shit
While being told that there’s nothing wrong with all of
it.
Send them back to class,
It’s probably just a sprain
But that ankle’s never gonna be the same
How LAME.
Why can’t you ever keep up on a hike?
Why does it hurt every time I run or bike?
Joints that feel like they MUST be broken
But the X-rays look good every time we go in
And please don’t come back again
These resources are here for the horses
And they call me a lying waste of time
Suck it up
Buttercup
Nobody cares if you want to give up
FUCK
I’m a person, I’m here, and I’m falling apart
Can’t work, or self-care, much less make art
Zebras exist in a world demanding rent
Where all the spoons stay spent
They say our suffering makes us stronger
How much longer
Will they monger our pain
And insurance plays blame games
Creating barriers when answers finally come
With another hoop to jump through, and another one, and another one.
We are not that rare, we are underdiagnosed
Because even when we appear right in front of their
oses
They oppose us
Dispose of us
Another one bites the dust.
This should disgust you.
Zebras exist, and so do donkeys
So do mules, so do ponies
And they refuse to see all these
Difficult diagnoses
Get out of my office, and on to the next one please
Solving 15-minute problems only
Somebody hold me
So now I live in a body of electric meat sauce
I wish it would help to complain to my boss
Because my joints are held together by fruit stripe gum
But tendons don’t really show up on X-rays unless their filled with calcium
At any point insurance can just say no,
We don’t care if you need it, you can’t go,
And ask for preauthorization
Before allowing the MRI or the nerve ablation
Some days taking my first waking breath
Makes me wish for death,
As the pain of existing hits me again
My oldest friend, will be with me until the end
In a system designed to erase us
Dispose and delete us
They have nothing to gain by helping me
My pain is no cash cow
I’m more like, just a burden now
Not worth the cost of me being seen
And so many others like me
Just trying to stay in this,
Continuing to breathe.
Overlooking us happens on purpose
It’s no accident that they hurt us
By treating us like we’re worthless
My pain doesn’t show on the surface
What if we tried something different?

What do you think?