Operation **Reclaim** Loveland

Heartbreak and Hoofbeats by Protyus A. Gendher

Heartbreak and Hoofbeats
Professionals are trained to unsee me 
Even when they’re looking for things unseen 
They can’t or won’t or don’t look deep 
Even when I spread it all out before their eyes 
Tying pieces together like an episode of CSI 
Flimsy red string connecting the bits of the puzzle 
But they listen like I’m muzzled 
All because of hoof beats 
An antiquated teaching  
About assuming the easy thing 
“When you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras” 
Putting a distance between us 
And the care we need 
To survive in these bodies 
Think horses not Zebras 
The imperative 
But Zebras exist 
Zebras are really really real 
And feeling like shit 
While being told that there’s nothing wrong with all of
it. 
Send them back to class, 
It’s probably just a sprain 
But that ankle’s never gonna be the same 
How LAME. 
Why can’t you ever keep up on a hike? 
Why does it hurt every time I run or bike? 
Joints that feel like they MUST be broken 
But the X-rays look good every time we go in 
And please don’t come back again 
These resources are here for the horses 
And they call me a lying waste of time 
Suck it up  
Buttercup 
Nobody cares if you want to give up 
FUCK 
I’m a person, I’m here, and I’m falling apart 
Can’t work, or self-care, much less make art 
Zebras exist in a world demanding rent 
Where all the spoons stay spent 
They say our suffering makes us stronger 
How much longer 
Will they monger our pain 
And insurance plays blame games 
Creating barriers when answers finally come 
With another hoop to jump through, and another one, and another one. 
We are not that rare, we are underdiagnosed 
Because even when we appear right in front of their
oses 
They oppose us 
Dispose of us 
Another one bites the dust. 
This should disgust you. 
Zebras exist, and so do donkeys 
So do mules, so do ponies 
And they refuse to see all these 
Difficult diagnoses 
Get out of my office, and on to the next one please 
Solving 15-minute problems only 
Somebody hold me 
So now I live in a body of electric meat sauce 
I wish it would help to complain to my boss 
Because my joints are held together by fruit stripe gum 
But tendons don’t really show up on X-rays unless their filled with calcium 
At any point insurance can just say no, 
We don’t care if you need it, you can’t go, 
And ask for preauthorization 
Before allowing the MRI or the nerve ablation 
Some days taking my first waking breath 
Makes me wish for death, 
As the pain of existing hits me again 
My oldest friend, will be with me until the end 
In a system designed to erase us 
Dispose and delete us 
They have nothing to gain by helping me 
My pain is no cash cow 
I’m more like, just a burden now 
Not worth the cost of me being seen 
And so many others like me 
Just trying to stay in this,  
Continuing to breathe. 
Overlooking us happens on purpose 
It’s no accident that they hurt us 
By treating us like we’re worthless 
My pain doesn’t show on the surface 

What if we tried something different?