On the one hand I’m making progress, and self-advocating, and I’m trying to be flexible in my hypermobile journey; on the other hand they’ve denied the MRI that I have to get to get injections in my back. My doctor has placed a new order, but I’m not sure if this one is more likely to go through and finding out requires jumping through more hoops.
I also haven’t heard anything more about my Physical Therapy referral. My initial PT preference was denied because they don’t take my primary insurance, and can’t bill Medicaid without it. I asked for a new referral and the referral specialist called today to see how it went with the first referral, after I’ve already reached out about failing- even more hoops.
Hoops Take Spoons
I’m trying to adjust to a lifestyle of doing less, and the schedule isn’t comfortable yet, although everyone is really hopeful about the impending results.
In addition, The State processed my Medicaid renewal application just before my hours were reduced so, as of right now I’m losing Medicaid, my kid is losing Medicaid, and we’re both likely to lose my insurance through work with my drop to part time.
The “One Bite At A Time” approach is great until you discover that you’re racing the clock to keep insurance coverage, or begging insurance to validate that the test your doctor ordered is actually necessary.
Every last bit of this takes spoons, in a process meant to give spoons.
I’m radically accepting that this is just going to be hard for as long as it wants to. Discouragement is a very powerful emotion when trying to break dopamine-seeking cycles.
Also, I’m still in the throes of caffeine withdrawal, so I’m super cranky and I really don’t want to do any adulting. I don’t want to make the list of phone calls I need to make, and messages I need to send, and things I need to follow up on.
I WANT to combine peanut butter powder and heavy whipping cream into the delight that it becomes and devour it. I want to make a cup of caramel pecan coffee topped with whipped cream. I want to snap into a slim jim. I want to make crispy, flaky, cheesy wraps in the air fryer.
I’m blogging, eating the same taco salad that I’ve had for two weeks now, and boiling 10 pounds of leg quarters f0r tomorrow’s menu.
I don’t do toxic positivity.
I won’t pretend that everything’s better because I’ve made some very difficult changes. I truly believe that they will be, and I’m keeping a very tight grip on that currently.
For today, this is hard.
For today, this feels crappy.
For today, this is all I can do.
For today, my goal is getting to tomorrow, without making myself go backward, EVEN IF I FEEL LIKE THE SITUATION IS GOING BACKWARD.
I’m very excited for the next blog post I can make that looks forward, and feels better. Today is not that day, and that’s ok.
I am struggling, and I’m ok.
I hope you’re ok too.
For more information about Spoon Theory
What if we tried something different?
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?