Toxicity Toolkit 7 – Week 3 – Untrue Narratives

Week Three

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Untrue and Incomplete Narratives

Week Three: Disrupting the Narrative

Audio Version

One type of gaslighting is having to participate in untrue or incomplete narratives as though they are your own true narrative. These untrue or incomplete narratives frequently serve to maintain the control in a relationship.

These warped narratives often position the Narrator as the hero, victim, or martyr of their story, and will position others as villains.

This week we will work to identify this type of gaslighting.

Untrue or incomplete narratives may make the recipient feel as though they can only receive and reflect an opinion, but that sharing their own perspective is not welcome in the space, or would be punished.

This feeling is a red flag that something is amiss.

If you suspect this may be taking place, ask yourself “Is this narrative true to the best of my knowledge?” and “is part of the story being ignored to provide this narrative?”

If the answer is “yes,” you recognize that the narrative is untrue or incomplete, and that you do not have to participate.

When you recognize that this type of gaslighting is taking place say “This is gaslighting. I do not have to participate in untrue or incomplete narratives to appease others.”

Provide information to make the narrative true/complete to the best of your knowledge. Explain how the narrative is different with the new information.

Question the motives and benefits of the untrue/incomplete narrative to begin with. Does the narrative position the Narrator as the hero, victim, or martyr? Would that change if the true story is told? Who is positioned as the Villain?

If the Narrator is approachable, share this with them when it happens. If not, there is a lot of power in revealing these behaviors to yourself.

What do you do in the situation?

Do you agree with the Narrator? Do you shut down? Do you become explosive? Do you have enough agency to interrupt the behavior? Are you reinforcing it?

Whether you address the event with the Narrator or analyze it for yourself, you will be rebuilding your authentic self, giving yourself back your own truths.

Keep a journal of instances that occur in the week.

Practice also helps. You may not feel comfortable jumping in and redirecting the narrative to start with, so watch for examples of when untrue or incomplete narratives are invoked.

Watch for it in TV shows. Pay attention to interactions at work.

Identify when it’s happening, who benefits, who is being controlled, and explore alternatives.

You may also find it useful to roleplay with someone who knows you’re working through this toxicity.

Remember also that this toolkit is meant to build skills in everyday relationships. If the Narrator is very resistant to true/complete narratives, this may indicate a more severe level of abuse or control than you originally thought. Please find a therapist to help you navigate the situation if this is the case.

Tired of being Gaslit?

The Narrator may not realize that they are warping narratives. They may believe that their version is the true and complete version.

They have likely been using this tactic to control those around them for so long that they have normalized the behavior. Giving them examples of when it happens may help get them on board for changing the behavior.

If you don’t feel like the Narrator is receptive in the moment, write it down and present it to them later, when things aren’t so charged. Give time and space for them to digest the information before having to engage with you over it.

Prepare Yourself

It’s also very difficult to face our own toxic behaviors. When presented with our own toxicities, it is easy to become defensive.

Be open to the idea that there is usually more to a situation than your perspective allows you to see. Be open to the larger picture.

Be ready to question why you might create narratives that make you the Hero, the Victim or the Martyr.

Take peace in knowing that addressing these behaviors will improve your life and your relationships. Be excited about the people you love feeling more comfortable with you.

Are you and your partner on the SAME TEAM?

Example

Let’s say I’m riding in a car driven by someone else and a lane is closing ahead. The driver becomes angry that cars are “waiting until the last moment” to merge, and therefore the driver insists on stopping them from merging out of spite. The driver is ranting and acting aggitated.

I will recognize the narrative as untrue and incomplete.

I will say “This is gaslighting. I do not have to participate in untrue or incomplete narratives to appease others. Your interpretation leaves out the information that the zipper method requires that cars take turns at the point of closure, and by alternating the lanes moving forward allows for seamless reduction of traffic. The other drivers are using the recommended method by the Colorado Department of Transportation, and you’re mad at them for it. It works, seamlessly, unless someone decides not to let in people from the other lane. That person is you. Leaving that information out enables you to be mad at everyone on the road, but it’s untrue and unfair, and I do not have to participate in it.”

I will continue by questioning “Why do you need this narrative, and why do you expect me to participate in it?”

Additionally, I may point out that:

~ Each other driver is meeting the demands of their own lives from their own perspectives, and

~Their decision to merge isn’t a premeditated action against the driver.

~ That being gracious and kind and understanding would cost the driver nothing and would reduce the stress of the drive.

I may ask “Why is this approach not an option too?”

I will question to myself how the driver is benefitting from being a victim/hero/martyr.

Let me provide another example (from my journal)

Conformity is gross. Stop it.

I caught myself in an incomplete narrative today, and I was absolutely using the narrative in my head to create myself as the victim.

So, I’m an autistic adult who is strongly averse to being approached by strangers. I use a lot of strategies to reduce the impact of this, but it’s very real, and my aversion is worse when I’m overwhelmed, busy, or if I feel the intrusion from the new person is unwarranted.

I’m a homebody so, there aren’t a lot of opportunities for strangers to insert themselves in my bubble. When I’m grocery shopping however, this creates a perfect storm for me. I’m busy. I’m juggling a lot mentally. I’m taking steps to be left alone so I can focus and feel comfortable, like wearing earbuds, and choosing music that I like so I won’t be subject to the 90’s country (which reminds me of my mother) they like to pipe through my Wal-mart and King Soopers. I use a streamlined list to cut down my time in the store. Everything goes in a specific order. And most importantly, I use self-checkout to minimize interactions.

Unfortunately, any time you buy a lot of any one thing at King Soopers the self-checkout attendant seems to want to insert themself. There are several attendants. They all do it.

I really only go to King Soopers when I’m buying a lot of one thing- sodas on sale.

So, when the self-checkout attendant interrupted my order for the third time;

When I’ve been using self-checkout for years,

And used to be a cashier myself for many years,

Making me stop my music,

Repeatedly,

Even after I passive-aggressively indicated that I was inconvenienced by having to stop my transactions to have to turn down my tunes,

Making a bigger show of it each time,

I lost my cool, and I did so by relying on an incomplete narrative.

The third time she came over, and I took out my ear buds, wrestling to keep my mask on while taking them off, she still wasn’t speaking loudly enough to be heard, so I had to ask her to repeat herself multiple times.

Finally, she says loudly enough to be heard that I could put the sodas back in the cart and hit skip on the screen each time. That I didn’t have to put them on the scale.

So, I said, “But then it will call somebody over, and make me talk to them, so I choose not to.”

Now, what happened there didn’t rely on an untrue narrative, but it did ignore other parts of the truth. She is getting paid to be there. She has to meet expectations from her company, even if I find them to be traumatizing. She’s expected to engage. She’s expected to “give tips,” and she’s probably expected to do so whether anybody needs help or not. She was probably trying to save me from having to lift as much, and she has no way of knowing that I think the physical activity of loading and unloading my cart is super important to my physical regimen. I also expected her to know that I didn’t want to be approached. My narrative about the event ignored the fact that she was probably of an age that doesn’t understand that earbuds are a signal a person doesn’t want to be approached. In order tell the narrative making myself the victim of her intrusion, I really had to ignore that she was trying to be kind, helpful, and prosocial.

I was unkind. I was short-tempered. I felt validated in being short-tempered because the version of the narrative I played in my head helped me position myself as the victim. I felt comfortable departing from my values because of the narrative I had played in my head.

Now in this instance, nobody else was with me. Because I grocery shop by myself, I didn’t have anyone there who was expected to play along with the false narrative. If I had someone else with me, they likely would have felt like they had to appease my version of the event. I likely would have complained, out loud, about each of the points in my version of the narrative, leaving out the other facts. I would not have seemed open to the other facts, and would have been seeking validation for “my side” of the story, which is a one-sided side of the story.

By the time I got to the parking lot, I felt ashamed of the interaction. I had not been my best self. My quirks are not the cashier’s responsibility. I could have simply said “Ok. Thank you. I’ve got this.” kindly and politely, and returned to what I was doing. Instead, I snapped at her and made sure to make her feel unwelcome.

Now, being fair to myself, some of this is self-defense. I really do wish that people would respect all of the signals I work so hard to establish saying “please don’t approach me,” but it’s not fair to assume that everyone who does is out to get me either.

I want to be kinder, without having to “know” the details completing the story. I want to be kinder and calmer to begin with.

References:

Gaslighting: GoodTherapy

Regaining Control of the Narrative: Psychology Today

Gaslighting and a Narcissist’s Need to Control the Narrative

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