Toxicity Toolkit 8 – Week 4 – Praise – Operation **Reclaim** Loveland

Week Four

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The system is built to silence us.

Positive Reinforcement

Week Four: Praise

Audio Version

In combating toxicity in our relationships it is not only important to eliminate toxic behaviors, but also to grow positive behaviors. Positive reinforcement is the most effective means of increasing a target behavior.

Praise is an excellent reinforcer. It’s completely free and easy to access and you never run out.

It also has the benefit of being specific. With praise you can give specific feedback about specific behaviors and events. Other reinforcers, unless accompanied by an explanation may reinforce the wrong behaviors.

Now before we get started, I’m going to blatantly admit that positive reinforcement, when used toward the wrong ends, can be manipulative. One example of this is Lovebombing in which excessive praise alienates the recipient. To avoid reinforcement being used in abusive ways, this exercise comes with rules.

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The Exercise

Identify behaviors that are positive, helpful, compassionate, loving, gentle, kind, patient, honest, or brave. (Keep the Values/Rights/Expectations exercises in mind. This is just a base list, you can certainly add to it. Look for praisable behaviors in everyone.)
Do not apply the praise publicly. Public praise frequently becomes about attention seeking, and that is not the point of this exercise. Public praise also risks the praise taking the form or lovebombing which can be punishing rather than reinforcing.
Privately, in a conversation, or a text, let the person displaying the value know that you noticed that they were being gentle, sweet, genuine, thoughtful, patient, brave, or whatever the good behavior was.
Let them know how the moment affected you, others, and the situation. Use “I feel” statements.
Indicate which Values/Rights/Expectations were demonstrated in the praised behavior.
Do not make the interaction over-the-top. Let it be gentle, and let them feel seen when they’re doing good things.
Be genuine and authentic.

Example:

If someone is usually critical of the decisions of others, and they demonstrate accepting behaviors, you could send them a text that says, “I noticed that when we talked about so-and-so’s decision, you were accepting, and didn’t expect them to make their decisions how you would prefer. Because of that we had much calmer interactions, and I felt more peace as a result. I also feel it gives so-and-so more room to approach you with honesty, and I hope you expressed your acceptance to them as well. I’m glad to see you’re making room for honest and genuine connection between you. I know your relationship with them matters a lot to you.”

These ideas are so much better Shared!!

References

Behavioral Reinforcement

Power of Praise

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