Home Alone- But Not All By Myself
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My Brother Came Back Home
My brother joined the navy when I was 14, but he only stayed in for about a year. We got a strange call one night from someone in the Navy that my brother would be coming home, immediately.
Mom was very serious, and very scared. There was a lot of hushed talking between the elders. We woke about 2 am to go to the airport.
We did not sing or talk much in the car on the way.
There was a lot of hushed waiting under too-bright lights. I know I had to pee, but we weren’t super clear on timing, so I needed to stay with the group.
When my brother appeared his mewling eyes seemed ashamed. He had a hard time making eye contact with my mom. Mom didn’t care, and was overjoyed to have her boy home.
He was missing part of his scalp. There was a square, about 1.5in x 1.5in missing from the top of his head toward the front.
Mom asked him what happened, and he said he tried to peel it off. He said it didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. His eyes were no longer submissive in any way. She didn’t ask him any more in front of me.
There was a lot of talk about whether he would have a dishonorable, other-than-honorable, or medical discharge. They were listing it as an attempted suicide. Everyone insisted it wasn’t an attempted suicide.
The elders speculated a lot about whether drugs were involved.
I tiptoed around my brother. His presence was unsettling, and nobody telling me anything made it much worse. I didn’t feel like I could ask him anything.
I did his laundry. I served him food. I made sure his drink was full, and that he didn’t have to take his own plate to the kitchen or help clear off the table. Mom made it very clear that we were to do everything in our power to make him feel welcome and want to stay.
I made sure my sisters didn’t get on his nerves, and I tried to stay out of his way.
Whether or not drugs were involved in him being sent home, they were very much involved in him being back home. He only really hung around the house for about a week, then he connected with friends and left a lot.
When he would come home he was high on any number of substances, and pretty belligerent. Everyone tiptoed around him.
We found a new, and very tense, normal.
Mom and Grandpa had to go do a job in Grand Junction, that was going to take several days, so they left us at home. The girls stayed at Grandma’s overnight, but I was allowed up at the house, to be there with the dog and sleep in my own bed.
Earlier that day, before taking off with his friends, my brother “convinced” me to do meth with him. He told me how small minded I was being and laughed at me. He told me I’d have to stop being afraid of everything sometime. He told me that maybe it would finally make me not fat. I should try it. So I did.
I cleaned and deep cleaned.
I was rocking out to Mom’s record collection, which was my favorite thing to do when she was gone, when my brother came home with friends.
My brother slammed my way through the door, and his girlfriend explained that he “was fine,” and had “just dropped some acid is all.”
He started off asking if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends. His tone was a friendly maniacal. Yes, I did want to hang out with my older brother and his friends. I had wanted that very much.
His behavior escalated so quickly.
He stormed around the house and I tried to stay small and on the couch. There were several times that he got in my face, screaming at me things that didn’t make any sense. His friends had to peel him off of me more than once.
He kicked the hell out of the dog. He kicked her down the stairs and she never walked right again after that night.
There was a gate leading downstairs that he ripped off of the hinges.
He bloodied his hands punching the stones of the fireplace, then laughed about it for quite a while.
They snorted lines of something. They were drinking.
It didn’t feel safe to go to bed. It didn’t feel safe to stay up. I hate it when nothing makes sense. I could NOT call Grandma. The girls didn’t need any awareness of this. It would NOT have been safe for her.
Mom was so pissed when she got home. There was a considerable amount of damage, and I was left to clean it up by myself, and didn’t do a great job. For all of the cleaning I did the day before, to try to please my mom and gain her favor, the house was now trashed.
She asked what happened to the gate. He told her not to worry about it. She didn’t press him about it. She asked me and I said I didn’t know. I said it must have happened after I went to bed.
She ranted about the gate while she “fixed” it. It neve quite closed right after that. She asked why I didn’t call Grandma. I just said I was sorry.
I know there was fear in my eyes every time I looked at my brother after that. I know, because I could see how much pleasure it caused him.
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
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