Enabler vs. Inhibitor
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Enabler vs. Inhibitor
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how toxic behaviors persist when people know better. Do you ever look at a situation wondering “How did this happen?”
Today we’re going to look at Bystanders. A Bystander is not the person committing the toxic behavior, and also not the person receiving the toxic behavior. A Bystander is another person in the situation at the time.
In reality, we all commit toxic behaviors in tense moments, in triggered moments, in moments when we aren’t being our best selves, or when we’ve run out of spoons.
What happens if you lash out at someone?
What do the “others” around you do?
Does someone tell the person that you lashed out at to “let it go,” or to “let it blow over?“
Does someone tell you, “That was unkind, and it doesn’t align with our family values?“
What’s the difference?
The first enables not only that incident of toxicity, but also paves the way for it to happen again, and again. It positions the recipient as someone who is expected to receive toxicity, and be “the bigger person.”
The second upholds the values of the home, gives a chance to correct toxic behavior rather than integrate it into how we act. It gives a chance to calm down, and use tools that aren’t harmful. It protects recipients from thinking it is their place to be abused.
There are two types of bystanders, Enablers and Inhibitors.
Enablers provide a script for continuing toxicity. Inhibitors interrupt the toxic script, and replace it with a healthy one.
If you do nothing, in a situation that you feel has crossed a values boundary, your silence is enabling. There are only two teams here.
I know that I am guilty of silence in uncomfortable moments, and trying to smooth things over because I don’t want to “rock the boat.” I think we all do sometimes. Sometimes we lack spoons. Sometimes we lack tools. Sometimes we lack a replacement script for the one that’s taking place.
There are two parts to this revelation:
When we are bystanders, we all need to reduce the number of times we just let toxicity happen, hurting the people around us, and
When we commit toxic behaviors, we need to recognize the Inhibitor as someone giving us positive, nonharmful, options in a toxic situation. Use the replacement script.
As you work through the weeks to build your toolkit, you will have more replacement scripts to use.
To begin with, simply pay attention to the interactions around you. What do you do when something makes you uncomfortable?
Are you Enabling or Inhibiting?
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?