Resilience
These ideas are so much better Shared!!
You Find What You’re Looking For
Forgive the overshare, but we’re going to start with some “highlights” from my life.
I was born a bastard, and experienced sexual abuse from multiple people in my life. My stepdad committed suicide when I was 10. When my mom found out about the sexual abuse, she blamed me exclusively. I was isolated and alienated, and my mother was raising me to be the one who should stay and take care of anyone without having dreams or aspirations of my own.
I spent a chunk of my teen years as a runaway. I dropped out of school to work, so I wouldn’t have to go back “home.” I took off with nothing when I was 18, willing to die on the streets rather than go back home. I’ve been homeless multiple times.
I’ve had a variety of abusive intimate relationships, because I didn’t know better, and better wasn’t finding me either. I’ve started over countless times, while raising many children, some of which I birthed, some I did not.
I started college when I was 25 and weighed 300lbs. Trying to lose weight after tipping the scales at 350 led to my first divorce, by way of my dislocated shoulder, a shooting in our home, and no charges that ever stuck. I ran to the only other person who had ever invested time or interest in me, who was even more toxic in the long-run.
When that came to a violent end, I lived alone with my kids, trying to survive grad school and provide for them. I ended up dropping out of grad school, my kids and I went homeless again, living out of our van and storage sheds. I found someone to crawl out of homelessness with, but he turned out to be exceptionally toxic as well, and we were homeless again before I new it… with a newborn and a teenager.
We moved back into my very racist grandmother’s basement, which was it’s own nightmare until she died. I had not had contact with my family of origin for more than a decade, but nothing had changed, and the abuse there persisted. Housing was scarce, but we managed to find a trailer in extreme disrepair that would overlook my rental history for double the deposit.
I kicked out my partner shortly thereafter for beating our then 2 year old. While enduring the second most abusive work environment I ever experienced. I don’t know what I would have done without the help of my 18-year-old at the time, because there’s no way I could have managed without them.
In 2019, I returned to washing dishes because being an openly Trans person in the workplace is extremely anxiety provoking. Work ended on March 15, 2020 without warning.
The COVID-19 Pandemic really enabled me to watch how other people respond to trauma.
I was used to experiencing trauma, and overcoming trauma, and persevering through trauma. I was used to getting those around me through trauma as well. It’s rare to watch others, everyone really, respond to a mass trauma. I think the only other massive public trauma I’ve seen firsthand was 9/11, but I had no social science training back then.
People responded in a variety of ways. Some crumbled. Some soared. Some made the best of a bad situation or rolled with the punches. Some found beauty in the change, and a renewed hope for a different world. Some created art. Some welcomed the newfound freedom from pants. Some felt deprived of their Friday Night outings. Some embraced masks, others raged against them. Same with the vaccines. Some sought out science to make sense of it all; some sought out conspiracy theories to validate their preexisting beliefs. Some people grew and blossomed. Some people really struggled. No two people handled it the same.
We were all using the toolkits that we had to approach the situation. COVID revealed that we all have different toolkits.
*Spoiler alert* I was okay.
I’ve had my moments, but I knew I would be okay from day one. I knew that I needed to take precautions, but I always knew that we’d get through it, because that’s what people do. I knew that I’d be fine, because I had always been fine. I know I can adapt. I know I can overcome. I know I can persevere. I know that very few things are bigger than me (although they do exist). I know that I’m a problem solver. I know that I keep going. I know what I’m made of.
I always knew I’d be okay.
I always knew that I had the tools to help my kiddos be okay, because we had been fine through so much together.
I was unprepared for what I witnessed in others.
I saw self-doubt. I saw mantras without a foundation of belief, experience, or practice, that were empty and useless. I saw crises of faith. I saw crises of self. I saw privilege and entitlement, and people who have no idea how to live without it.
COVID revealed the amount and types of tools that everyone had in their toolkits. It became apparent that previous adversity boded well for adapting to COVID. Living a pampered life, on the other hand, led to some shocking revelations.
Privilege was part of the difference, but it didn’t explain all of it. It’s true that experience with adversity leads to resilience, because in practicing overcoming we gain the tools.
We also have to believe we have the tools. I saw many people, even people close to me, behaving like they didn’t possess tools that I KNOW they have. I saw people who had demonstrated their tools to me in the past just stop using them.
They found what they were looking for. In the situation, they were expecting to fall apart. They were looking for maladaptation, sometimes as proof of suffering, sometimes in response to expectations from others. They were NOT problem solving. They were not digging into their toolkit to find their resilience, their perseverance, their cunning, their creativity, their calm.
It was so much harder for people who believed they couldn’t handle the pandemic. It was easier for those who believed that they could.
I was shocked, because these were people I knew to be smart, intuitive, confident individuals. Why would they not believe in themselves when there’s so much to believe in.
Anxiety
COVID-19 produced a constant state of anxiety. Anxiety makes us doubt ourselves. Anxiety reduces our effectiveness as problem solvers. I watched as anxiety turned confident, competent people into storms of doubt. Anxiety breeds uncertainty, and undermines our belief in ourselves.
- What you believe determines what you look for.
- What you look for determines what you find.
- What you find determines what you’ll use.
- What you use determines your outcomes and experiences.
- Your experiences and outcomes determine anxiety.
- Anxiety impacts what you believe.
It’s a cycle, that can easily feed itself, especially in very traumatic times.
Anxiety
You can’t just choose whether or not to have Anxiety, but there are things that can be done to reduce it’s impact.
Meditation (self-soothing/calming),
Medication (if you can’t make your own neurochemicals, store bought is fine!), and
Mediation (controlling or limiting things that cause anxiety) are important tools for inhibiting anxiety.
Belief
Decide what you’re looking for. Are you seeking your own weakness or believing in your strength. Does your mind look for examples of tools you’ve used before, or do you look for helplessness?
Remind yourself what you’re capable of. You’re stronger than you know, and you deserve to have your own back.
Find the Tools
Do this cognitively and on purpose. Remind yourself daily. Set alarms to tell you you’ve got the tools you need, and know how to use them. Practice using the tools.
Use the Tools
As situations arise that you need to cope with, remind yourself again that you know what you’re doing. You’re really good at being you. You’ve got this, you’ve cultivated your toolbox, and practiced with your tools. Go ahead. Use them.
Experience Different Outcomes
Better use of your coping mechanisms, and methods of interaction will lead to better outcomes. Controlling (not eliminating) anxiety throughout the process enables a better experience of these better outcomes.
Anxiety
Experiencing better outcomes, in a better light, will help control anxiety.
How we participate in this cycle determines our resilience. Believe in you. I do.
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?