Backhanded Compliments
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The Spirit Behind What We Say
It’s astonishing to me how often I watch an exchange in which one person thinks they’re giving a compliment, but with it they tag a little piece of information that diminishes the recipient’s personhood.
A compliment isn’t a compliment if it comes with caveats. When a compliment doesn’t stand on it’s own, and is instead accompanied by some form of negging, the compliment becomes the vessel for the delivery of your negative opinion.
It’s a Love Bomb, and BOOM! you’ve been hit!
You’re being handled.
You’re socially expected to respond positively to the compliment portion, thus controlling, or at least compelling your behavior. If you interact with the negative opinion, you’ll seem ungrateful, so you just have to take it, otherwise you’re being difficult.
Classic Love Bomb!
So what do you do about it?
“I love that you appreciate (compliment statement) about me. It’s unfortunate that you think of (negative statement) at the same time.”
You do not have to act like part of the statement didn’t exist.
Stay calm.
Accept the positive reflection, and offer to discuss their negative opinions of you if there’s something they need you to know.
People don’t say things that aren’t on their brains. It has to exist inside before it can exist outside. So, the negative comment, which probably felt like a jab, came from someplace real.
Ignoring it allows it to just stay there unresolved.
Even though it hurts, instead of being controlled in the moment, recognize that the other party is telling you something real about how they think of you. It’s not nothing.
By acknowledging the negative statement, you give it light, instead of letting it fester.
By doing it calmly, you leave space to explore something negative that exists in your relationship, and perhaps heal it.
You also send a message that you’re not just going to let them injure you, and you don’t have to receive negative messages without having your own side represented.
It invites the other party to treat you like an adult, and bring relationship negativities to you, rather than slipping them to you without being accountable for them.
It gives you a chance to be heard, without being confrontational.
“I love that you appreciate (compliment statement) about me. It’s unfortunate that you think of (negative statement) at the same time. I hope that we can explore that more to see where it’s coming from.”
Be brave, stay calm.
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?