Survivor Literacy

What’s Abuse?- How Do We Define the Line?

Abuse is a culturally bound concept.

If I were to put gloves full of ants on my child’s hands and make her sit with them on enduring the biting, it would be clear that I am abusing my kid. That’s not globally true.

If I were to take her to someone to have part of her genitals carved off, I would be deemed a monster. Circumcision is a widely held practice, and our medical doctors still perform it in this country for “aesthetic purposes.”

Iki Palek

The Dani tribe in Indonesia believe that fingers represent family unity.

So when a member of the family dies, women will cut off the upper portion of a finger in a ritual called “iki palek,” to protect the family, and ward off the restless spirit of the deceased family member. Men usually chose to cut their ears to express their grief.

Recently the practice has been banned, and so it’s only the elder women of the tribe who now have fingers removed.

The reports I’m finding of the practice online all say that the practice is reserved for older women. When Charlie Love showed us slides of the practice in class, it was definitely girls, young girls, whose fingers were missing.

Nevertheless, is it abuse?

Is it abuse if you believe it’s necessary for protecting your family?
Is it abuse if everyone else is doing it?

Monsters are also defined by their geography and the time in which they exist.

Let’s look at John Wayne Gacy. There’s no doubt whatsoever that he’s a monster. Right?

He murdered at least 33 young men. He tortured them and raped them without any regard for them as people. Actually, it was their dehumanization he liked the most.

What he did is unthinkable, unspeakable, unbearable.

Right?

He specifically enjoyed that these boys belonged to him like property.

That part makes me particularly sick. Gives me that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

If Gacy had lived a little over a century prior, and on the other side of the country, it wouldn’t have even made the news.

What Gacy did is no different than Madame LaLaurie (in 1832) who townsfolk begged law enforcement to intervene upon, but they repeatedly saw no wrongdoing. The cook, who was chained to the stove had to burn the mansion down in a suicide attempt before anyone would intervene. That’s what property means. Law enforcement doesn’t interfere with a white man an his property.

Gacy would likely have shifted his urges to a different population. He wouldn’t have been questioned. It doesn’t make it less of a horror. It makes it culturally acceptable.

Historically, if I had a penis, and wanted a free pass to kill and rape, all I’d have to do is join the military. I might not get to immediately, but if I wait long enough they’ll start a war and then there’s people to prey on with impunity.

We call them heroes. We give them medals, and name landmarks after them. They are also necessary for our survival.

Why the sidebar?

I have been facing a lot of memories lately. That’s why I’m doing all of this writing. Looking back now, I’m absolutely horrified at how I’ve participated in all of this at times. I have to ask myself how I thought so many of these events were ok.

I don’t excuse my participation. I am accountable.

I do think that understanding all of this requires consideration of these contexts.

There are many abuses that are legal in the US. Spanking is still legal. It is abuse to hit your child. I’ve spanked my kids.

The law doesn’t draw a good line between acceptable behavior and abuse. Many of our subcultures blur the line, or cross it entirely.

If your behaviors cause harm, it’s abuse.

If your behaviors make people feel small, unimportant, insignificant or unworthy, it’s abuse.

Restricting access to resources can be abuse, it can also be important for teaching your child balance. The way you do it can certainly be abuse.

Keeping people voiceless is abuse.

I’m not saying this to make anybody feel bad. I’m saying it because we cannot understand any of this without being able to look honestly at our own behaviors.

I do not need to absolve myself. I know my monster within. I also know what motivated me in those moments, what compelled me. I learned what pulled me so far out of alignment with myself.

I can’t change any decision I’ve ever made. All I have are the decisions ahead of me.

Just know I’m not a saint, and this story won’t read like I am.

We listen and we don’t judge.

So, what do we do when our culture, our families, our communities, our schools perpetuate harm?

What do we do when we feel ourselves torn between what is socially approved/condoned/rewarded, and what is right?

Footnote: There are so many things going on in the Bullet Ant Ritual that are worth noting. The importance of the ritual space itself- instead of submitting to the process of mentally preparing for the ritual he brought a very fearful and adversarial energy to the event. He didn’t get the benefit of the mental preparation. He didn’t get the benefit of believing in the transformative power of the experience. He didn’t get the benefit of the connection with the tribe and it’s history, because he remained separate from that. The boys who go through this experience not only experience the ant stings, they experience the preparation, the connection, and the care from the rest of the tribe. He doesn’t receive the benefit of the rhythm or chant… Just sayin’.

What do you think?

Is it less scary for those in the tribe for whom this is just something everyone goes through to reach adulthood? Is it more scary because it’s unavoidable?

Footnote: Genital mutilation is shockingly common. These videos are very disturbing.

This probably isn’t the place to point out that circumcisers are also the ones saying that allowing trans kids to make decisions about their own genitals is child abuse… I’ll save that discussion for another post. I’m also not going to talk about this next video-

yet.