Let Them Part Three

A Chapter Review and a Lesson in Triggers

You may have noticed that starting to read “Let Them” by Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins caused a pretty strong reaction in me.

I noticed it too.

Here I was, eager to take this on, and my brain was on fire. This book, that’s supposed to help, was making me feel unsafe, unseen, and it conjured strong visceral changes in my body. I couldn’t regulate my heart rate. I was crying and then seething, and then welling back up with tears.

I acknowledged that I was triggered, strongly so, and got ready to be really uncomfortable.

I know that my triggers are my teachers, and the key to my healing.

My triggers are my nervous system telling me it recognizes something that my brain hasn’t put together yet.

I didn’t have to ask myself what red flags I was seeing, they were waving furiously in front of me.

It was clear that I was going to need index cards and highlighters (my weapons of choice when attempting to tame my daemons).

I marked the red flags, and made notes, and patterns emerged.

1) It was clear that Mel comes from a different place of knowing, and positionality needed to be accounted for.
2) It was clear that Mel is a narcissist speaking to other narcissists, and the language of narcissism excuses a lot of abuse. (This is a mechanism of the CYCLE)

Step One- Establish the difference of my place of knowing. This is what we did yesterday as we walked through Frankl’s philosophy which founded me.

We also need to define some things to refine our lens.

Egocentrism–

“In sociology, egocentrism refers to an individual’s tendency to perceive, understand, and interpret the world primarily from their own perspective, often overlooking or underestimating the viewpoints, experiences, and needs of others.” (easysociology.com)

Narcissism – 14 Signs of Narcissism

I do want to say that part of what makes narcissistic abuse so hard to leave is that it’s usually not so clear cut and extreme. A person can have a very high emotional intelligence, or even personal or social awareness and still be a narcissist. This is part of what makes the gaslighting so powerful.

Sigmund Freud was a narcissist- and by performing the SCRIPT of psychology, he was able to not only normalize his narcissism, but somehow pathologize others.

Narcissistic abuse is most effective when the narcissist does get it, when they tell you everything you need to hear, and then don’t choose that with their behavior.

It makes me feel so defensive- you’ll probably notice that- it’s ok if you do.

Step Two- Continue to review the book, chapter by chapter, and shed light on how it sounds to a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

Chapter 2 starts with Mel seeing a picture of people she knew having fun which was posted on social media.
(Not to point out the obvious, but that’s what social media is for, sharing pictures and details of our lives. It’s actually a place to connect over them, if we let it.)

Mel’s response to seeing someone’s joy, was to make it about her. “Wow. I could really use a weekend like that.” Then, instead of seeking connection through it, she inspects it. She’s not checking it out to see who’s grown, and who has changed. She’s not checking it to see what life experiences her friends were having. She blew it up to inspect it, to find proof, to make it about her.

She was looking for any evidence she’d been “left out.”

There’s no awareness here that not every situation is meant for you. Someone else’s vacation was not the place that you’re meant to be, so why look through a lens that acts like it is?

She talks about the feeling of getting punched in the gut when she finds proof that she can make it about her. If that’s what it feels like, WHY would you go there?

Through this entire first page, I’m hearing someone who doesn’t know how to process rejection, which is a part of life. I’m hearing someone who doesn’t understand that we can have negative emotions that aren’t anyone’s fault, and they don’t have to be fled. I’m hearing someone who is very uncomfortable sitting in the discomfort without immediately jumping to blame.

Blame is it’s own red flag- it NEVER makes a situation better. It shuts down vulnerability and connection. It’s a BIG flag for me. I also know that people who jump to blame are incredibly critical of themselves in their own self talk. It’s a response to internal pain, not external situations, but we don’t usually understand it that way. (I didn’t remember that until I was editing).

She digs harder, looking for more and more proof that she has a reason to be butthurt. She says, “So, naturally, I started to spiral.”

That’s interesting.

She could have said “So, naturally I took a moment to regulate myself.” She could have said “So, naturally, I checked in with my emotions.” She could have said “So, naturally, I leaned into that sting to find out what it was telling me.” The fact that she didn’t stands out to me.

It’s not natural to make everything about you and spiral if you’re not a narcissist. It’s not natural for me.

So then, after looking for proof of her betrayal until she had gathered enough to throw herself a pity party she reports “I found myself feeling the familiar swirl of emotions take over: rejection, insecurity, confusion.”

YOU GET WHAT YOU AIM FOR.

(I am projecting here, but hear me out. I think it’s highly likely that Mel was not in a very regulated place when she opened social media that day. Maybe she was stressed about money, or her relationship, or the kids, because it truly never ends. Instead of identifying that she felt dysregulated, and seeing regulation, she doom-scrolled. When we’re dysregulated- if we don’t actively regulate- it has nowhere to go. Those neurochemicals are still hanging out in our blood stream. Cortisol is just soaking our system. It’s actually very much like electricity. If it’s built up in us, we can choose to ground ourselves, and return that to the earth, or we can just keep trucking through and get zapped unexpectedly. So, we doom-scroll so we can build up to a threshold so we can blow-it-off.

I think deep down that’s really what most spiraling is, just a need to hit the overflow threshold on those chemicals- so the drive is instinctive- as stress management for the australopithecine. We roar loud to find the peace afterward- it’s actually because we need peace and don’t feel like we can.)

She asks herself, “When did they plan this? Why wasn’t I included? Why am I never invited anywhere? When was the last time I went away with friends?”

I have to pause and question how she’s asking these questions. Why does it matter when it was planned? It was sometime before now, and it’s over. It doesn’t matter unless you’re trying to make it about you. Can she really not think of any reasons she wouldn’t have been included? Could it possibly be that they wanted a vacation, and not time spent with someone who makes everything about her? That’s not a vacay vibe. If that’s the energy you bring, no wonder you’re not being invited. Why am I never invited anywhere? It’s because you’re a narcissist, and you’re being superficial instead of doing the work of real relationships.

She makes the leap to “Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe they’re mad at me.”

This is a mental justification for the incoming straight up manipulation impulse.

“I still felt this urge to reach out and smooth things over.”

Smooth things over. That’s interesting!

What was there to smooth over? Some people went on vacation.

She was gaslighting herself into thinking it was ok to reach out to them, and make them aware that she had made it about her, aware that she had perceived a slight, and make them perform her importance.

I wouldn’t go on vacation with her either. (I wouldn’t really go on vacation with most people though, so I’m not sure how meaningful that is.)

Then- as the offhanded thought, she finds the core of it.

“I mean, sure, we had known each other for years. We had gone through early motherhood together, we had lived a lot of life together, and I really liked everyone who was on that trip. But at the same time, I hadn’t really spent time with them as a group in a long, long time. I had seen them around town at large gatherings, but hadn’t invested in those individual friendships; I hadn’t planned anything fun or reached out to them recently either.”

Why was this the part that was easy for her to dismiss?

We’re not finishing Chapter 2 today.

Today, I will settle for recognizing red flags, and naming the things I see. Today, I will wrap myself in the comfort of trusting myself, and the process.

I’m grateful that I have enough safety in my life to have the luxury of sitting with my triggers without having to shut them down as quickly as possible. That’s new for me.

I’m grateful I’ve embodied teachings that my triggers cannot hurt me on their own, can be recognized and named, and through that, can be understood and disarmed.

When I started reading this book I was uncontrollably reactive.

That’s not my normal state. That’s really not my state when I’m doing research on cycle-breaking, because these topics make me feel most safe. My heart would race, and my breathing would catch in my throat.

It felt like I was seeing something nobody else could see (spoiler alert: It’s the Autism). Now, it was only me and the book in the room, but the fact that the book was published and that I can share videos of it, carries the weight of acclaim. Could nobody else see what I was seeing?

So, I let myself argue with every single line. I didn’t try to push through, because that made me feel angry, and out-of-control. I wrote down what was on my mind to validate my response every step of the way-all by myself.

Then I sat with those writings and looked for patterns, and questioned what memories it brought up. I found the part that was screaming inside of me, begging not to be silenced.

I gave myself voice, and I set some boundaries, and I feel so much different about going back to the book now.

I told the people around me that I was having a very triggered response, and that I was trying to learn from it. I validated the perspective of the book, and let them know that my take was coming from a very different lens and place of knowing.

That erased my fear that I would have to praise things I’m not comfortable with. It opened the door for us to embody the teaching in very different ways, with understanding for the reason.

I often say, “We get there when we get there.”

It doesn’t matter if someone already knows something- you get there when you get there.

I understand that “Let Them,” is a story of getting there- and what to do with it when you do. Most people didn’t read Frankl in high school while they sorted through their dad’s suicide. They weren’t given that opportunity to get there. They’re being given this one.

Good Job, Mel.

So, I’ll continue to break down the book, from the lens of a survivor of decades of narcissistic abuse.

I also want to be clear- we all have narcissistic tendencies, because our culture has made narcissism the best way to navigate getting our needs met. It’s demanded of us and reinforced. It’s a defense mechanism, and in a culture that doesn’t hold space for each other’s pain, for many narcissism is their only source of validation.

Remember, when we talked about Family Scapegoat Theory, and I told you I’ve played every role in that cast of dysfunction, the Narcissist, the Peacemaker, the Golden Child, the Problem Child, the Clown, the Scapegoat, the Parentified Child, and the Addict? I don’t believe any of us are bad people for being pressurized into these roles.

I do believe I’ve done narcissistic things, and I’m accountable for them. I do believe that it’s important not to normalize it, in order to break the cycle.

This is the WORK.