Operation **Reclaim** Loveland

Let Them and Why I’m Livid

I’ve recently started reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins, after coming across the video of Mel’s podcast. I passed it on, because I do believe that many people can benefit from this, but I also found myself fighting annoyance and irritation, then eventually outrage as the theory has triggered me more and more.

OUR TRIGGERS ARE HERE TO TELL US SOMETHING

At first I noticed that I was reactive when I was discussing this book with people who I had REALLY LOOKED FORWARD to discussing it with. Strange. Here it was, the secret that I’d wished people knew for years (at least since I built the Toxicity Toolkit), and they’re finally holding it in their hands and here I am losing my sh!t over it.

I’m one chapter in, and I’m committed to finishing this book, but I keep getting SO angry.

People I love want to talk about embracing the concept and I get furious.

I Don’t Understand Why It Is So Hard

I’ve been begging for people to do this since I was 18.

All I ever wanted growing up was for my mother to let me. I needed her to let me try things, let me want things, let me choose things, let me make mistakes, let me explore who I was, let me grieve, let me love her, let me love myself.

It shouldn’t be a revelation that people need this. It should be a given.

So, I approached my adult life with Let Them. I had no desire whatsoever to control anybody else, and all I wanted was to not be controlled in return.

After everything that took place in my childhood, all I wanted was to steer my own vessel and stay in my lane, and I wanted it with my whole heart.

The book is written for people who struggle to let go, who struggle to allow other people the sovereignty over their own choices. It’s written for people who control, coerce, and abuse the people around them, and those behaviors are so normalized that the idea of not controlling others somehow seems revolutionary. (It’s not written for the person who gave up absolutely everything to Let my family. I let them hate me. I let them have their SCRIPTs. I let them treat me like a mistake.)

And it feels like I’m the only one who can see it.

So, I’m incredibly conflicted, because I really do believe this book is doing good work in the world, and I’m triggered from every page.

Mel Robbins is likable. She’s very pretty, well spoken, and personable. I like her. I want to be very clear that I do not intend this to be an attack on her, or her work, in any way. Her work is extremely valid, and important.

I also think it’s important to tell the story from another perspective.

The book starts with an introduction, and paints a picture of Mel’s life in debt, with things not looking real promising, and being pretty negative. Relatable!

She paints a clear picture of the paralysis of hopelessness, and I’ve been addressing the same paralysis and hoping it doesn’t consume me for a year or so now.

The 5-Second Rule

Then she talks about her 5-second rule, to just get started on any task. My heart sinks. I’m also struggling with motivation. I’m also struggling with basic tasks like taking a shower or fixing meals. I feel the same guilt and shame from it. The 5-second rule is supposed to help you just push through and get started.

Just push through.

I just pushed through after my dad died.

I just pushed through when my mom disconnected.

I just pushed through when I had babies to take care of.

I just pushed through my adolescence filled with incest.

I just pushed through that interview with the cops.

I just pushed through that walk home in the blizzard.

I just pushed through the loss of that relationship.

I just pushed through so many more things that I haven’t even told you about yet.

I’ve always pushed through. (You don’t survive with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome without having to just push through).

Then I ran out. The book starts with the answer being that I should just not be disabled. If I could just stop doing that, it would really help.

It’s ableist, but it’s helped a lot of people.

There’s this pressure to get on board and join the SCRIPT, and I’m not even saying it’s a bad SCRIPT– but that SCRIPT worked for me through my 20s, and my 30s. I can’t just push through without doing real damage to my body. Ignoring my pain to push through has caused a level of dissociation that has very real life implications that I’m actively trying to repair.

So, once again the answer starts with, “have you tried just not being disabled?”

Then, on page 7, she’s talking about imposter syndrome, and not needing anybody else’s permission to be you and to live your life. I sure believed that. I still do. The reality is that you do need permission, or you lose jobs, resources, access, people, networks. It’s a lot easier to think you don’t need permission when you haven’t gone homeless yet.

Homelessness taught me I needed to ask permission or die.

By page 10, she’s advising that you have to push through regardless of how you feel, and refuse to give up. It makes me feel like accepting my disability is giving up. It reinforces my self-hatred. I feel trapped in my body.
Chapter One is titled “Stop Wasting your Life on Things You Can’t Control.” Seems legit.

Wasn’t there a prayer that everybody had hanging on their walls when we were growing up, about changing what we can, accepting what we can’t and knowing the difference? Just checking, because I felt like that was the expectation to begin with.

So, I guess it’s great advice for people who missed the memo the first time, but she spends the first chapter acting like it’s completely normal to have missed that memo. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

Let them is AWESOME for the narcissist in the family. Let them is gaslighting for the scapegoat.

I’ve approached each new relationship in my life by let-themming. I wanted to learn about them, embrace them, encourage and inspire them. You can’t do any of those things if you don’t first LET THEM.

My let-themming has (SPOILER ALERT) repeatedly led to situations where I’ve lost myself entirely, because I continued to let them, while they would not let ME.

The Prom Night Example

She goes on to talk about this Prom Night example that really does demonstrate the concept beautifully, but she also normalizes the Narcissist. WTF?!?

She begins the chapter with the premise that the “problem” is giving your personal power to other people. THAT I agree with. We mean it in entirely different ways.

She’s talking about giving people power through letting them occupy your mind and letting their opinions take over, which causes you to spiral. She’s clearly talking from a place of incredible autonomy.

When you don’t actually have power in a situation, your reality depends on whether you keep people happy. It’s not an autonomous choice.

If you’re the Narcissist and you Let Them
-It means you make space for other perspectives
-It means the people around you become free from catering to your needs
-It means you, and they, now get to have authentic experiences
-It means realizing that you’re trying to control other people, and stopping.

If you’re the Scapegoat and you Let Them
-They blame you
-Your needs become the last thing considered
-You give the most and get the least

She talks about it being this huge revelation that her kid should have his own prom experience. Everyone applauds it.

She talks about how he communicated with her directly and honestly, and she ignored it on purpose thinking she knew better while her daughter pleaded with her not to, only to impose her knowing better on her son’s unsuspecting date who had had the bravery to communicate directly and honestly with her son.

Then she normalizes it.

“In my defense, I wasn’t the only parent who intervened. Dozens of parents were now swarming their kids trying to take control of the situation,” and she describes how she continued to try to control the situation in any way she could while these kids were literally begging to do their thing.

Kendall– I hope you read this, and I hope you know that you are going to change the world. You did an amazing job of seeing this catastrophe for what it was, and you were so brave to speak up in the presence of someone REFUSING to hear reason. Well done!

She talks about Let Them as though the lights suddenly turned on, and she could see for the first time.

Reading this as the family scapegoat, I can’t help but notice that at 41 it had never occurred to her to mind her own business. It had never occurred to her to let her children have their own experiences. Not holding judgement about everything being done around her was an “Ah Ha!” moment.

Think for just a moment about what it must be like to be her kid.

These kids were all on the same page. They were trying to be happy, and make their own memories, and instead they had to advocate for themselves over and over and over again. If you haven’t found yourself in that situation, I can assure you that it feels horrible.

She’s talking about how freeing Let Them was for her, but is there any thought to what it was like to experience her before that?

She talks about researching the theory and remarks, “As you’ll soon see, the science is clear: This thing works, And it works really well.”

No shit.

Not controlling everyone around you works? No shit.
Not being bothered by every interaction in the day works? No shit.
Not having a fit when your family is running late because it isn’t the end of the world and isn’t worth them having to feel like crap works? No shit.
Not getting your panties twisted when old people act old works? No shit.
Not investing in the opinions of those who have no connection to you works? No shit.
Not parenting based on emotional outbursts works? No shit.
Not raising the cortisol level of everyone in the house over dishes in the sink works? No shit.
Not looking for reasons to get bent during your commute works? No shit.
Not living for the approval of your distant relatives works? No shit.
Not making a crisis out of little inconveniences like bagels works? No shit.
(This No Shit list is based on the list she provides of things she Let Thems over).

Then there’s like, 3 pages of arm tattoos from people who also seem to think it’s revolutionary to mind their own business.

Then, she breaks my heart with the truth, after making me face all of this quite directly.

“But the fact is, there is one thing you will never be able to control. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person.”

It’s not revolutionary for me, but the timing sucks, because now I’m forced with facing the fact that I have a long history of Let Them, and it has been an open invitation to take advantage of me, to take me for granted, to use me, and dehumanize me.

When you Let Them, people show you who they are. They show you the choices they make. They show you what they want. Eventually, you hit a point where you can no longer ignore the truth of what they tell you.

If you keep letting them, it just gets worse.

If you stop letting them, they tell you how controlling you’ve become. They tell you how you’re not letting them even when you know better.

The truth is that when I let them, it’s so incredibly damaging. And throughout my history, when I try to hold a boundary about the things that damage me, I get really hurt and find out I’m just not worth it. That’s what the Thems in my life have chosen when let.

Admittedly, if you hang in there through the whole podcast, she does make one itty bitty mention of not doing Let Them when you’re being controlled/abused. So, even she knows better, but what then?