August 16, 2025

42) Bonobo Cycle Breakers

Bonobo Cycle Breakers – We should be taking notes here

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that this post is going to continue the conversation on the Cult of the Ego.

If you recall, in my argument explaining how dysregulation is favored within groups, and that we can imagine its beginning back with our australopithecine ancestors, I explained that without mechanisms to regulate dysregulation, the most dysregulated becomes the most powerful.

This begs the question of what happens during dysregulation where there IS a mechanism to bring the dysregulated back into regulation.

This is where we should turn to the Bonobos.

I first learned of Bonobos when I was taking Anthropology in high school.

I was completely captivated.

Primatology is a subfield of anthropology, and even before learning about the Bonobos, I had felt that great apes in many ways had a greater sense of humanity than we do.

When you examine the work of Jane Goodall and Dian Fossey, it becomes impossible to dismiss the depth of ape personalities, the strength of ape family bonds, and the ingenuity, compassion, and grief that we seem to think is unique to humans.

When you watch these groups interact, they have complex social patterns and meaningful language (although not as complex as human language, likely due to the structures of the vocal tract). They have human emotions.

It’s clear when frustration leads to aggression, (The Spark of Dysregulation, if you will).

What happens in response to the dysregulation?

If the ape who became aggressive gets its way, it really reinforces that aggression is the way to get what you want.

It’s easy to understand why a hypersexual teenager in a dysregulated home would find Bonobos fascinating, because they channel their aggression through sexual behaviors. That certainly helped me feel validated in my endeavors.

It also made it clear to me that dysregulation isn’t the only option.

Now it turns out that the Bonobo response to aggression is not just sexual release. The Bonobos have recognized that the dysregulation is harmful, and they actively work together to counter it.

Bonobos are evolutionary cycle breakers. They give me hope. We can do this.

Or can we?

It seems pretty obvious and simple actually. Certainly, throughout history, we have been able to recognize that following the lead of the least regulated person is a harmful practice.

In fact, it’s well documented that certain cultures around our globe are non-aggressive. The Inuit People of the north come to mind.

These gentle people produce gentle people through gentle parenting.

(Notice that they are still making up stories that may not be true to control the kids. How does this relate to how we make truth over time? How does this compare to approaches like Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street? This engages imagination, but it’s also the grounds where children start making sense.)

Here is another video taking a deep dive into Inuit parenting.

Think about how the SCRIPTs are being performed.

Inuit children don’t witness dysregulated adults, nor do they see adults catering to the dysregulated. The children themselves are approached with regulation, understanding, respect, and patience. Discipline is a matter of real-world consequence, not the angry outburst of a dysregulated adult. Even the play fighting, which helps to manage peaking adolescent hormone levels, is non aggressive and is more of a mutual stim in my opinion (it’s in that deep dive video. IF you would like to see what I’m talking about without watching the entire video use this link. Then go back and start at the beginning because it’s fascinating and you’ve missed 7 minutes and 11 seconds already).

How does this approach to regulation affect how the adults treat each other, or how children experience life?

How does this affect power structures?

Are the Inuit an anomaly? Let’s cross the globe to southern Africa.

Although we’ve known that gender doesn’t work the way the video describes since the 70s, much of the rest of it holds. Both of these largely nomadic peoples are quite peaceful.

The Khoikhoi use a council of elders in addition to the chief to ensure well-rounded and fair decision making. The Khoikhoi also have a mechanism for splitting if a difference of opinion causes a rift, which avoids infighting. The chief’s function is to settle disputes, not to act in his own interests.

The San rule by committee only or by community consensus.

For both, all decisions are open to the entire community.

Here we see how avoiding power altogether regulates these groups. They have made it taboo to be greedy, selfish, dysregulated. They have many other mechanisms to maintain humility and keep dangerous behaviors in check.

There are mechanisms regulating the diffusion of power. In these cultures, no one person is meant to be more powerful than anyone else. Someone trying to do so would be the subject of ridicule. The behavior isn’t compelling, it’s laughable.

I would also point out that Bonobos, Inuit, Khoikhoi, and San are all cultures that deeply value women.

In contrast, the society I live in loves power for it’s own sake, and they choose it. They prefer people who attain it, no matter the cost or effect.

How did we get here? There are so many things that have shaped our society to allow and prefer the power-hungry.

One of these mechanisms is the medicalization of the feminized body.

Are you still with me?

I hope so, but I understand if you need to take a break, go make a sandwich, stretch, or take some deep breaths.

I know that this covers a lot of ground, but some things are big picture things.

I find it really helpful to look at things in evolutionary terms. (No. This is not about the debate between evolution and creation- it IS however a lens that begs the questions “how did we get here,” “what went differently there,” and “which traits choose which outcomes?” Let me show you.)

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

Pathological Demand Avoidance is a bit of a buzz term of late. In the last few years I hear it mentioned more and more.

Essentially, for autistics and people with ADHD perceiving an interaction as a demand can stop us in our tracks. It can make it impossible for us to “do the thing.”

I have PDA (as is evidenced by how often I was called lazy and a waste of potential as a kid) and I’m raising a child with PDA.

To those who don’t understand it, PDA seems like willful disobedience.

To allistics it seems abrasive that we won’t just go along with whatever the demand is, when it doesn’t make sense to us.

For us, it’s like having our Spidey Sense activated. It’s incredibly overwhelming, and in addition to being overstimulated, we usually have to navigate someone who is dysregulated as a result and aiming that dysregulation at us. The sounds are too soundy. The lights are too lighty. The air has too many movements in it. Our skin crawls and our nerve endings light up.

It happens when we sense senselessness.
It happens when we are in the presence of injustice.
It happens when authority seeks to control rather than to serve.
It happens when we see abuse and we cannot normalize it.
It happens when someone in our presence is gaslighting.
It happens in moments of cognitive dissonance.

This trait is an evolutionary mechanism to protect mankind from tyranny.
This trait leads us to seek fairness and peace.
This trait has led to cycle-breakers throughout history.

To someone abusing their power, this trait is a real inconvenience, because the mechanisms of control are less effective when someone is pointing out coercion, shaming, disparity, inequality, injustice and so much more.

My kid has an instant barometer for shady people, and she can usually pinpoint the behaviors that tell her she can’t trust someone.

This also explains why often the most defiant kids become completely different people when it’s not about demands and they feel like you’re on their team (spoiler alert, you have to actually be on their team, because these kids can tell when you’re not).

These are the kids (and wives) who would have been lobotomized when the practice was in fashion.

@nurture_me
Quick history lesson on lobotomies… #LobotomyHistory #MedicalHistory #DarkHistory #PsychiatryFacts #HiddenTruths #WalterFreeman #RosemaryKennedy #MentalHealthAwareness #NeurodivergentHistory #HistoryUncovered #EducationalTikTok #MindAndMedicine #MedicalEthics #NobelPrizeControversy #WhatTheyDontTeachYou #fypシ
♬ original sound – AshleyMarie 🌈

These are the kids diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and institutionalized. We haven’t quite gotten there, but this is what my mom eventually planned to do with me.

These are the kids who would receive ODD diagnoses now.

What’s the point? Great question!
I’m so glad you asked!

Frankly, I was starting to wonder if you ever would.

We live in a society that caters to the dysregulated, and punishes those who would seek to regulate unjust forces.

These punishments range from the loss of identity, to the loss of access to society, to the loss of life itself.