Lessons Learned
I unfortunately learned a lot of big lessons pretty young. It was rough, but I’m grateful. It took 4 decades for me to really learn that my worth isn’t a result of my productivity or perfection.
Capitalism had groomed me into cycles of self-doubt, self-criticism, self-effacement, self-loathing, and a sense that I was never enough. My treatment growing up as a fat autistic gender noncomforming kid certainly reinforced this.
I retained this long after I became an adult, had children, went back to school, became a surrogate, went homeless, and crawled back out of it.
I am not worthless.
This system simply doesn’t value my worth. It doesn’t belong to them.
Nobody by Protyus A. Gendher
Nobody had to love me
I know it sounds harsh, but it’s right
This simple truth
Is the greatest theme from my life
This isn’t about self-pity
It’s not even about my pain
It’s about the expectations I had
That everyone was the same
It’s about how normalized it was
That families were all the same
That every child was wanted
And it left the truth no space
My pain wasn’t really from being unloved
In and of itself
My actual pain accrued from comparing
Me to everyone else
It’s fine that I was born a bastard
A powerless fact in itself
But when socially enacted
Barred me from resources and wealth
And I’m not saying I don’t need love
Or affection or support
But love is not a check off list
Like groceries or chores
The people who didn’t love me
Turned out to be toxic as hell
But the world told me that I should need their approval
It was like being under a spell
The brainwashing of seeking approval
From people who couldn’t love me
Caused years of upheaval and damage
Thinking my worth was in whether they want me
It took years sorting through the self-loathing
To unpack the source of the anguish
To reveal the truths hidden deep within
So noxious ideas could be vanquished
Self-love finally came
Filling my deepest recesses
When I finally let go
Of the need to try to impress them
When I think back on all of the times
I felt like less due to love withheld
An aching, burning, longing
In place of the love that others felt
Nobody had to love me
Nobody had to accept
This complicated person
That had been made such a wreck
Nobody owes me emotion
But when it is shared it’s a gift
Negating the presumption
That really caused this rift
Nobody had to love me
Not my mom, or siblings, or friends
Not my partners, or children
Not a single one of my fans
Nobody has to love me
Their appraisal doesn’t make me less
My worth never lied inside
What someone else expects
Nobody had to love me
But it hurt to think that they should
And I tore myself apart
Trying to do everything that I could
There was peace in finally letting go
Of the things they all thought of me
In the place of that weight, I could grow
To the person I wanted to be
I just want others to know
In the moments when they feel unmade
That nobody has to love you
You’re good enough anyway.
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?