Survivor Literacy

Do Overs

Handling our Screw-Ups

Being imperfect is difficult. Sometimes we make poor decisions, or we say or do the wrong thing. Sometimes we even recognize a problematic behavior or statement right as we are making or doing it. But what then?

What do we do when we realize that something we said was rude, thoughtless, or mean? Do we continue lashing out to somehow make us “right” in our meanness? Do we rationalize, perhaps even using an incomplete narrative to do so, to try to find some explanation to justify the statement? OR do we start over.

As a family we used to find ourselves in behavioral spirals. One wrong statement leading to a whole series of other statements and behaviors, each getting more volatile and making less sense, until we usually couldn’t remember what had started it, all combined with a slew of avoidance behaviors.

All of this was to avoid losing face, and frankly it’s embarrassing how out-of-hand these spirals became. They got better when we started introducing do-overs.

We didn’t realize that this was what we were really doing at the time. We just knew we didn’t want to experience the spirals.

It started with interjections like, “I really don’t like the way we’re talking to each other right now.”

Quickly it became apparent how important it was to interrupt the spiral, but what then? Well, it depends on the spiral.

In most cases, critical thinking is the best next step. We question why we’re arguing, why we’re emotionally charged, whether we’re triggered, and what else is going on. Then with all this extra information, we start over.

When we start over we apply the tools. We focus on being gentle, respectful, and kind. We represent our needs and recognize the needs of the others around us. We engage in problem solving and empathy.

Now a few months after changing our practices as adults, I’m noticing my 5-year-old using the Do-Over tool as well. All of a sudden, behaviors and moods that used to pervade the entire day (sometimes weeks), are addressed and replaced with much more effective behaviors.

We all screw up. We all say things and do things we wish we could take back. You can never really take back something that you’ve said, but you can always start over, change your tone and your focus, and begin again.

Happy Healing

Toxicity Toolkit 1 – Start Here

Toxicity Toolkit – Holiday Preparation

Forgiveness

Beneficial Negativity

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 29 – More Happy Child

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 28 – The Happy Child

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 27 – TEAM

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 25 – Letting Go

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 24 – Encanto

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 23 – Self Care

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 22 – Being Approachable

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 21 – Empowerment

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 20 – Setbacks

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 19 – The Silent Treatment

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 18 – Ups and Downs

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 17 – Being Handled

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 16- Check off lists

Grieving Our Friends While They’re Still Alive

AIQ- Gaslighting

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 15 – Tiptoeing

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 14- Backhanded Compliments

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 13 – Themes and Patterns

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 12 – Boundaries

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 11 – Taking Their Side

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 10 – Resilience

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 9 – Gentle Gaslighter

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 8 – Practice

!!!!!!!!THE WORKBOOK IS HERE!!!!!!!!

Toxicity Toolkit – Points to Ponder 7 – Gentle Honesty

Toxicity Toolkit – Gentle Reminders – 🙂