Treating Everyone As they Matter
These ideas are so much better Shared!!
Treating Everyone As they Matter
My family has undergone tremendous changes since taking on the toolkit. As a matter of fact, we’ve experienced nothing but change since the beginning of the pandemic when we first moved in together.
When the initial COVID-19 lockdowns began in March of 2020, by partner and I were still living separately. I lived in a trailer with my kiddos, as we were actively working on healing the traumas that we had survived, and trying desperately to work enough to dig ourselves out of the hole that years of homelessness had created for us.
I was deeply in love with my partner, but neither of us were ready to move in together. Nevertheless, the unavoidable choice became to either move him in with us, or live without him, to protect his immunocompromized family of origin, who he resided with. Before COVID-19 our spacious living arrangement allowed room for healing, and autonomy, and it worked REALLY well for us. I knew in March 2020 that I wanted to spend my life with my partner. That does not mean that I was ready for 24/7 cohabitation. COVID didn’t care.
I knew that we would be fine. Life is ever changing, and will always find new curveballs to throw at us. We were smart. We were in love. This could be the staycation of a lifetime!
We were not fine. We were members of two different but friendly teams who were now stuck in the same box. I was overwhelmed in ways I hadn’t felt before, and I was dumbfounded by that because I’ve been through so much worse without being overwhelmed. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why our home, abundant in love, felt so angsty.
We stopped connecting. We stopped being vulnerable. We started going through the motions to not rock the boat. We were coping, but we certainly weren’t thriving. There is a limit to how long I can spend under these conditions before I lose it. So now we were fighting. We weren’t creating any of the amazing things that I had envisioned us working on together. When we did work together we were tiptoeing around egos and it lacked the joy of collaboration. Everything was off, and at the same time, nothing was wrong. This is a very triggering cognitive dissonance for me. I became desperate.
I did NOT want to lose my partner, but I also did NOT want to continue to feel how our home was feeling and I couldn’t figure out why it was going the way that it was. My partner, who has long attended therapy, asked me to go to therapy as well.
My beginning therapy focused on using DBT to sort through the chaos I was experiencing within myself, to find myself again, and to figure out how to use my training to heal my home. The absolute turning point came when we broached the concept of TEAM.
In analyzing our interactions (Discourse Analysis is one of the best tools for identifying patterns in our interactions and helping us understand when our triggers are really red flags that are telling us something) I discovered that we were approaching each other as though we were each something that had to be handled, overcome, or dealt with. We weren’t speaking to each other from the same side, and I discovered that a lot of my pain came from being spoken to like I would be opposing whatever was being brought up at the time, without the benefit of the doubt that we were on the same side.
I saw it in my kiddo too. One of the biggest focuses in my therapy has been improving the behavior of my child, because I want them to have a childhood that they don’t need therapy to heal from. My child was combative, manipulative, and argumentative. If I was trying to show them something, they would ignore me, do whatever they want, and frequently break whatever we were doing.
I was pulling my hair out trying to reason why it was so hard to engage in mentorship with my child. It hit me, in therapy, as I was learning about trauma-informed parenting that my child did not know that I was on their side. At first I was reactive to the revelation. Obviously I’m on their side, so they should know it right?
I had to assess our interactions, and I have to tell you, my behavior was not telling my child that I was on their side, here to help and guide them. My child’s responses to me were genuine because they were experiencing someone who was “out to get them,” who communicated through blaming and exasperation. Someone who made them feel like less.
We were all being very bad teammates, and I was losing patience with my child for not knowing better, when I had never taught them better. And worst of all, I knew better.
The first step in healing this was the family values exercise that is now Week 1 of the Toolkit. In bringing our values together, one of the 6 main themes emerged as the concept of a team, and in doing the exercise together we started building the language of teamwork in our home. (And because I didn’t realize how vital it was yet, I would frequently forget to invoke it).
Instead of being injured and shutting down, we started saying things like, “Remember that I’m on your side. How can I help?”
My child was surprised when I explained to them that I’m supposed to be a resource to them, that they can count on to guide them and teach them. That surprise told me so much, and it became instantly apparent that they would need proof. From the tone of my voice to the words I choose to the freedom to fail they would need to see proof that I was on their side, because I hadn’t been.
As the team building began the angst faded, and almost every time that the angst returns, the most important tool is asking ourselves, “Am I being a good teammate? Am I making it easier for my teammates to be on the team as well? Am I experiencing teamwork from my team as well?”
It gives us a very real starting point for getting quickly back on track.
Happy Healing
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
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