77) A Willing Hand

A Willing Hand- And a Field of Windrows

The Old Witch told me that a local rancher was looking for help during haying season. Mr. Amish-ish could drop me off and pick me up because it was pretty close to our place. I didn’t have a car of my own, so that severely limited what I could get to.

I didn’t have bills (although I offered, and they wouldn’t let me be a part of that either), but I really did want to buy a car of my own, and I had that toothache that had been acting up before I left home that still hadn’t been resolved.I did not expect them to pay for that. I would not have allowed them to pay for that.

In my dream world, I would still be able to afford cigarettes and a BMG subscription.

This job would not be paying for all of that, but it was something. I got paid $35/day, and we worked 7am to sundown. It also meant that Mrs. Amish-ish would have more space, and I hoped it would make her less territorial.

The local rancher was a woman, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be joining an all-girl crew. It really seemed meaningful.

The rancher was stout, and didn’t use more words than she needed to. I remember feeling very skittish around her, but she was never once mean to me. I really wanted to impress her. I was afraid of being a dumbass. I believed that in situations like this I was a dumbass, because my family had definitely held that belief.

I wanted so badly to prove that untrue. I wanted to be capable. I wanted to be worthy.

Something to Prove–Paying My Dues

I started out assuming that I didn’t know anything, which I still think is the very best place to start in any new endeavor. I didn’t want to show anyone disrespect, or step on anyone’s toes.

My first day, she started me on an old John Deere that did NOT have power steering. I didn’t flinch. She explained how the rake worked, how to run the field, where the boundaries of the field were, and how to run the tractor, then I was on my own.

I was absolutely determined.

I made about two passes before I got my rake tangled up in a ditch I didn’t see. It was almost much worse. She was keeping an eye on me from afar, and came to rescue me pretty quickly. I was deeply embarrassed. She pointed out the ditch, which I would now be mindful of, and I was on my own again.

I mostly blamed myself for getting caught, but I have to admit that I did kind of feel like that ditch was out to get me. I might have given the ditch some mad side-eye.

The tractor, in addition to needing a certain amount of elbow grease, was an older machine that had it’s quirks. I did my very best to learn them without being an inconvenience.

Getting My Bearings

It didn’t take long before I could feel the rhythm of the field, the power and bounce of the tractor, the cyclical tones of its engine, the rotation of the rake, the weight and density of the hay. It was awesome.

At lunch time, we were all rounded up and we headed back to the main house where The Rancher’s mom had cooked lunch for us. There was always plenty of fresh, whole, home-cooked food at the table. There was a pitcher of lemonade and another of tea, and we all mixed the two.

It seemed as though everyone else on the crew had known each other their entire lives. At least two of the women lived on the ranch, but I never saw the bunkhouses. They all got along very well, and they were kind to me, but there just wasn’t the same level of connection.

I mostly stayed quiet because I didn’t want to be thought a fool. I had a long history of talking too much when I got nervous and saying the wrong thing. These weren’t people that I wanted to hurt or alienate, and I really wanted them to like me.

In some way, I felt that if they could like me, then people who were “like” my people could like me. Looking back now, I’m not sure what that even means.

I had left home, but I still ached inside for my family to approve of me, or love me, or want me, or forgive me, or accept me, or anything.

It was easy to tell that they all had generations of backstory that they weren’t eager to pull out in front of “company,” and I was new enough to be “company.”I was terrified of stepping on a landmine without knowing it. There was so much communicated without ever saying anything. I pick up on side glances and throat clearings, hidden smiles and blushing, instantaneous tightening around the eyes followed by non-emotive silence.

In those moments, it’s very clear to me that I’m lacking information that is shared between others, and that it’s not being shared with me.

Girl Crush

There was one hand who was a little more outgoing and friendly, so I naturally oriented toward her. She was so pretty in an untouchable sort of way, and I was so thrilled that she was even nice to me. She had apparently worked for the outfit for decades, but she was only working on the haying crew when there wasn’t anybody else to run the baler. Not to sound defeatist, but it seemed fitting that the person I wanted to work with the most was barely there.

It really didn’t matter much because the vast majority of the time was spent in a field that nobody else was in, because we were all working different phases.

That did mean that I could sing as loud as I wanted all damn day and nobody was ever bothered by it. At home I sang too much and too loud, and it had been requested that I enjoy my music quietly, because Mrs. Amish-ish couldn’t concentrate when I was singing. Out here, I could just let it rip, and I did so at length.

I also had time to think about absolutely anything I wanted to. I could daydream endlessly. I spent time really questioning my beliefs and my identity.

Moving Up

Two weeks after I started, the old Massey Ferguson tractor got out of the shop, and I was promoted from the old John Deere.

All of a sudden, I knew why they had all made such a big deal about the John Deere not having power steering.I just thought that’s how tractors drove, but this MF had power steering and now I felt unstoppable. I was really glad that I’d never complained about the John Deere.

Whatever they were going to throw at me, I was going to take.

It also had a different rake. Don’t ask me why we couldn’t use that rake on the John Deere, I didn’t ask and it’ll remain a mystery. I can’t explain why, but the rake was also way better, and I really enjoyed going to work every day.