Breakout Topics- Holiday Preparation
2-Week Toolkit to Detoxify your Thanksgiving.
These ideas are so much better Shared!!
Day 1- Using the tools over the holidays.
You may have noticed that the holidays are fast approaching.
After 2020, there’s a lot of pressure on this 2021 to make up for everything we went without. In just over two weeks, we will execute plans to gather with friends and family through a whole variety of means.
Many will be in person again. Many will chime in through Zoom or one of the many distance attendance options. So many of us will gather with families that we’ve found along the way.
My hope for each and every one of you this year is the least toxic Thanksgiving you’ve ever experienced.
If I’m being honest, for every beautiful, warm, comforting memory I have of Thanksgiving, I have a bunch of hurtful, harmful, toxic, damaging memories.
In the following days, we’ll move forward into preparing for your least toxic Thanksgiving ever. Today, I’m going to ask you to pull out those journals, and reflect on Thanksgivings of your past. Answer the prompts up to where you’re currently at in life. Then review your responses for indications of toxic behaviors and people.
What was Thanksgiving like when you were a child. What did you love about it. What made it difficult. Did you gather in large groups, or just a few of you? Who attended? Who made it magical? Who made it hard? What was the power structure like? Were there bullies present? Did others enable or inhibit them?
Curious why everyone keeps going through the motions?
Break Free!
What was Thanksgiving like when you were a teenager? How did you participate? How did you fit into the power structure? Who made Thanksgiving wonderful? Who did you dread seeing? How large were your gatherings, and where did they take place? Were there bullies? How did the group-at-large deal with them? Who did you feel comfortable with? Who did you feel uncomfortable with? Why?
How did you participate in Thanksgiving as a young adult? Who did you celebrate with? Did your groupings change? Why? What were your favorite memories of Thanksgiving at this time? What were the worst? What behaviors go with those memories? Did the power structure of the gathering change?
In your 30’s, how has your Thanksgiving changed? Are you still celebrating with the same group? How much of the group is family? How much of the group is friends? Are you hosting, travelling, or even working over Thanksgiving? Is it magical for you? Is it obligatory? Who is at your Thanksgivings, and how are they acting? How do you feel about those behaviors? What is the power structure of the gathering like?
In your 40’s, how has your Thanksgiving changed? Are you still celebrating with the same group? How much of the group is family? How much of the group is friends? Are you hosting, travelling, or even working over Thanksgiving? Is it magical for you? Is it obligatory? Who is at your Thanksgivings, and how are they acting? How do you feel about those behaviors? What is the power structure of the gathering like?
In your 50’s, how has your Thanksgiving changed? Are you still celebrating with the same group? How much of the group is family? How much of the group is friends? Are you hosting, travelling, or even working over Thanksgiving? Is it magical for you? Is it obligatory? Who is at your Thanksgivings, and how are they acting? How do you feel about those behaviors? What is the power structure of the gathering like?
In your 60’s, how has your Thanksgiving changed? Are you still celebrating with the same group? How much of the group is family? How much of the group is friends? Are you hosting, travelling, or even working over Thanksgiving? Is it magical for you? Is it obligatory? Who is at your Thanksgivings, and how are they acting? How do you feel about those behaviors? What is the power structure of the gathering like?
In your 70’s, how has your Thanksgiving changed? Are you still celebrating with the same group? How much of the group is family? How much of the group is friends? Are you hosting, travelling, or even working over Thanksgiving? Is it magical for you? Is it obligatory? Who is at your Thanksgivings, and how are they acting? How do you feel about those behaviors? What is the power structure of the gathering like?
In your 80 or 90’s, how has your Thanksgiving changed? Are you still celebrating with the same group? How much of the group is family? How much of the group is friends? Are you hosting, travelling, or even working over Thanksgiving? Is it magical for you? Is it obligatory? Who is at your Thanksgivings, and how are they acting? How do you feel about those behaviors? What is the power structure of the gathering like?
Spend some time looking over your entries. This will give you a very clear indication of which toxic behaviors and traits tend to be present, and you have 2 weeks, to prepare to gently, logically, and rationally keep them from ruining your Thanksgiving.
Also, if you haven’t already, start working on the 13-week toolkit. There are two weeks until Thanksgiving, and if you give 15 minutes per day to each “week” you’ll have the crash course behind you. Then go back and spend the full time on each skill.
You Deserve This!
I had to diagnose myself.
Day 2-Establish Ground Rules!
Two weeks from now, you will probably either find yourself on the hosting team, or the visiting team (even if you’re visiting through Zoom), and I cannot stress enough how important it is to set ground rules regardless of which team you find yourself on.
Statistically, the larger your gathering, the more likely it is that someone attending with be a toxic/abusive personality. If you did yesterday’s exercise, it should be easy to identify who these people are, if there are any in your group.
This exercise is also especially helpful if the event will include new or random people (as many thanksgivings do).
Hosting Team
If you’re hosting the event, it’s your job to make sure that there’s a venue, and enough food, plates, etc. It’s ALSO your job to set the tone of the event and YOU determine what is allowed or not. It is your home.
That means it’s your responsibility if your uncle is saying racist things and nobody feels safe countering it. It’s your responsibility to uphold your values regardless of who attends, and to make the event safe and welcoming for everyone. It’s your responsibility to make sure nobody has to endure abuse at your event.
Establish ground rules that reflect your values. If your family has completed weeks 1 & 2 of The Toolkit you already have your Family Values, Expectations, and Bill of Rights.
Use your journal exercise from yesterday to find the big themes. What behaviors seem to happen every year? What behaviors are you worried about? Which values do they violate? Use this to make rules that fit your home, and will protect everyone.
Visiting Team
Your crew is visiting someone else’s home, and they have the right to set the tone of the event. YOU have the right to decide which behaviors you’ll allow, and how you interact with them.
First, set ground rules for your own group. Talk together about any concerns you might have about attending Thanksgiving. Use your journal entries from yesterday’s exercise and your Family Values, Expectations, and Bill of Rights from weeks 1 & 2. Make the rules together.
Then, make plans for adhering to the rules? Do you speak up? Do you isolate? Do you leave? Do you have a representative from your crew bring things up to a representative from the host team? Only your family will know what the best plan is for your specific people.
Intersex People Exist- Stop Erasing Them!
Both Teams
Practice enforcing the rules, and responding to rule violations. Remember the importance of being gentle and direct. I’m going to supply some sample responses, but make sure you adapt things to your own family.
“This feels toxic, and I don’t want to participate.”
“This goes against my values, and the values of my family.”
“This conversation relies on an untrue or incomplete narrative, and it looks differently if you consider all of the facts.”
“That comment made me very uncomfortable, and I feel it’s important to speak up because I can look around and see how uncomfortable others are as well.”
“This conversation is unkind, and this isn’t the place or time for it.”
“That statement alienated people in this room, and that’s not ok.”
“Please stop making belittling statements. We’re here to have fun.”
Practice, practice, practice. You have two weeks, so bring up scenarios, and role play using your rules.
Print out your rules, and have them very visible during the event.
If you’re on the Hosting Team, send out an email to all of the Visiting Crews letting them know how excited you are to have them, and what the expectations are during the event. Thank them in advance for making it a safe, memorable, fun Thanksgiving.
Happy Holidays
Learn more about Hypermobility!
Day 3- Practice!
Yesterday we set ground rules for our Thanksgiving engagements, and we practiced speaking up. Continue to practice speaking up in kind, gentle, direct ways.
What if those measures don’t work. Truly toxic people don’t like to be told not to be toxic. That’s why they get away with it year after year.
What happens after you say “Uncle Teddy, your misogynist comments are alienating the family and making us all uncomfortable. While you’re entitled to your perspectives, these views are not welcome during our Thanksgiving celebration.”?
Host Team
What happens when Uncle Teddy gets worse, or lashes out? What do you say? What do you do? Whose responsibility is it to act?
Practice telling Uncle Teddy, “We got together today to enjoy a safe, fun, enjoyable Thanksgiving. Your behavior is keeping that from happening, and you’ve been asked to stop. If this persists, you will need to leave. It’s unfortunate that you don’t want to find more meaningful ways of interacting. This is your chance to change that.”
Give a last chance, then follow through.
“Uncle Teddy, we asked you to come participate in our safe, enjoyable Thanksgiving, and provided rules to make it possible. You have repeatedly shown us that you’re not interested, and the rest of us deserve to enjoy the rest of the holiday. You need to leave now.
If it’s possible for well-behaved members of Uncle Teddy’s team to stay, and get rides home later, please consider offering this option.
Marriage is Human Trafficking.
I invite you to prove me wrong, but you have to read it first!
Visiting Team
If you’ve interjected to stop the behavior, and it’s persisting, go to a representative of the Host Team and let them know what’s happened. Ask them to step in. If they refuse, decide whether to isolate your family at the event, to continue to engage with the repeated bad behavior, or to leave.
Leaving a toxic environment in the company of people you share mutual love and respect with is ultimately a far better Thanksgiving than staying in a toxic environment that has to be suffered through. You have no obligation to endure anyone’s abuse.
In addition to practicing gentle, direct responses to bad behavior, practice having conversations with the representatives of the Host Team about concerning behaviors, and practice politely, gently, exiting the situation should it be necessary.
Both Teams
Have discussions as a family about experiences from the past, and practice responding to them. As scenarios come to mind over the next two weeks, keep the conversation open with your family about how to handle them. Practice together.
Healthy Holidays!
Food Addiction is Real, and it’s ON PURPOSE!
There’s so much the government doesn’t want you to know.
Day 4- Bullies.
Sit down today with your team, and have a discussion about bullies. Talk about thanksgivings past. Talk about the people you know will be attending. Talk about attendees that you might not know.
Encourage all of the members of your family to talk about anybody from these groups that make them feel uncomfortable. Talk about which behaviors from the person cause the discomfort. Discuss what to do if these behaviors happen.
Decide on a family safe word that any member of your crew can use when they feel unsafe or violated. Talk about what the plan is when someone needs to use your word.
Keep practicing the tools from the previous days.
Healthy Holidays!
You deserve a Poetry Break!
Day 5- Problematic People
Think through the exercises of this week together, and make a list of the people coming to your gathering that your notes have revealed to be problematic people. Also, make a list of people who are Safe Havens.
Visiting Team
Decide which adults on the team will be monitoring the interactions with toxic people. Decide who’s job it is to react should a toxic situation arise.
Host Team
In addition to following the advice to the Visiting Team, I recommend reaching out to the problematic people in advance.
“We look forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving. We hope that you will enjoy participating in our safe, fun, inclusive holiday celebration. Please be advised of the rules of our event, and know that anyone who chooses not to participate in keeping the celebration safe, fun and inclusive will be asked to leave. Remember guests are arriving at 10am and Turkey time is 1pm.”
Email the message to all of the Visiting Teams. Problematic people will be put on notice, and will learn that you’re comfortable addressing their behaviors. That takes a lot of power away from toxicity. The people on your guest list who would ordinarily suffer through the toxic situations will know that they aren’t expected to endure abuse this year. Such a win.
In addition, you can send a message to people you’ve identified as Safe Havens. Let them know how much their presence means to you. Tell them how much it matters that they contribute to safe, loving family time. Let them know that you intend to do the same.
Healthy Holidays!
Feel like your cortisol is always raging? This might be why.
Day 6- Home Team
We’ve talked about the Hosting teams and the Visiting teams, and their responsibilities in having a non-toxic Thanksgiving. Today we develop your Home Team.
Your Home Team is the group of people either hosting or visiting with you.
It’s important to spend time before the big day building your team. Practice the skills before this. Talk things out. Role Play. Get really good at communicating.
As things come up from Thanksgivings past, you can practice what to do when difficult situations arise. Knowing what to do before hand reduces panic, and increases effectiveness, especially in kiddos.
Practice supporting each other.
We already established a team Safe Word. Do you need more than one. Discuss discreet ways of saying “If feel unsafe.” or “I feel someone else is unsafe.” Have ways to alert the Home Team that someone feels uncomfortable or trapped.
Practice using your Home Team Safe Words.
Healthy Holidays!
There is still so much to be said for Humans Healing Humans.
Day 7- Reaching out to the rest of the group
Depending on when your celebrations kick off, you have a little more than a week left before Thanksgiving. I hope that the Holiday Preparations series has been helping you prepare.
If you haven’t already, take some time to reach out to the rest of the group to connect. Make sure you didn’t forget to send those email messages about the rules and setting the tone.
Remember the Safe Havens from the previous exercise.
Reach out to them, and let them know that you’re building your toolkit. Ask them about their hopes or concerns for the event.
Make them part of your team. Point them toward parts of the toolkit that address their concerns.
Build your nontoxic network.
Healthy Holidays!
Ever feel like you’re always the scapegoat? You probably are.
Day 8- Consent for Kids
I cannot stress enough how important it is to teach children at very young ages about consent and bodily autonomy.
Make sure your kids know that they can say “no.”
Makes sure everyone knows that the children at your event don’t have to hug, kiss, or sit on the lap of anybody they don’t want to. No matter what. Period.
Also, tell your children that it’s not ok for them to hug or kiss someone without their consent either.
Tell your child who to go to if they feel pressured, or uncomfortable. Practice the family safe words.
Keeping children safe has to be done on purpose. Hoping nothing will happen creates an atmosphere and culture that enables a variety of abuses, and they start here, with lessons on consent.
Safe and Healthy Holidays!
We HAVE to break the Silence!
Day 9-Become a Safe Haven
Spend some time today reflecting on the characteristics of the people you find to be Safe Havens.
Think about all of the tools you’re building, and how you’re using them.
Keep practicing. Stay calm. Be Gentle. Allow absolutely no abuse.
Think of the people who will be attending Thanksgiving with you. Think of which people become targets, or don’t have tools of their own. Which people become smaller at family events? Who’s known for hiding out, or escaping into their phone?
If you can’t think of anybody, you may be doing a very good job of this at your events already. Otherwise…
Don’t let them feel alone. Don’t let them feel powerless.
Healthy Holidays
Toxic Positivity Warps Reality
Day 10- Filling the Time Positively
One of the best ways to keep toxicity at bay over the holidays is to fill the time with positive interaction.
Have activities.
Direct conversation toward positive topics.
Fill the time and space with love instead.
Healthy Holidays
You’re probably in a cult.
Day 11- Enduring Abuse
This is just a gentle reminder that absolutely nobody should be expected to endure abuse. It’s nobody’s job to be the target. No one should ever have to just take it.
Think about the times in your life when you’ve witnessed this, and decide right here and now that it stops in your presence.
Remember that you are powerful. You are well-equipped with the tools to navigate toxicity. Trust in yourself and the practice you’ve put in.
Healthy Holidays
Capitalism favors the Narcissist.
Day 12- Being Gentle
The holiday is just a few days away, and I hope you’ve been practicing the tools in your holiday kit! I hope you’ve prepared yourself to stand up to people if need be. I hope you practice ways of shutting down the toxicity you encounter. I hope you’re stoked about being a Safe Haven at events for others.
It’s always good, in the midst of this to remember to be gentle. Remember to be kind. Remember to be good natured.
In preparing all of this, and the need for action, it’s easy to slip into defensive positions and behaviors. This is why we use the DBT tools, which require that we be in control of ourselves, remaining calm and kind, even when we need to be firm.
Healthy Holidays
Conformity is gross. Stop it.
Day 13- DEAR MAN
If you’ve already been through the 13 week toolkit, take a moment today to review DEAR MAN from Week 8.
DEAR MAN helps to provide the rules of engagement when trying to make requests or get our needs met. It keeps the playing field even, and allows both parties to have power in representing their interests.
There’s a link on the Week 8 page for a printable version of DEAR MAN. It’s terribly handy to have it on you when you need it.
Healthy Holidays
Are you seeing what’s in front of you? Find out here!
Day 14- GIVE, FAST
GIVE an FAST are two more DBT skills covered in Week 10 of the toolkit. They come on the same handout as DEAR MAN and Week 10 contains the link to print it off.
I view GIVE as the rules of engagement for dealing with the other party, and FAST as the rules of engagement for ourselves. Both are quite useful.
If you find yourself in an interaction where you’ve stopped using them, or the other party is not utilizing them, pull them out. It’s ok to expect to be treated with fairness and respect. It’s ok to offer that to others as well.
Healthy Holidays
The Depravity is Utterly Shocking!!!
Day 15- Have Fun
The day is upon us, and you are well prepared.
Now is the time to remember to have fun. All of the things in the Holiday Preparations Toolkit are important, and it’s also important to remember why we celebrate holidays to begin with.
Go! Enjoy your family, or your Friendsgiving, of 5 Thanksgivings for those of you visiting many. I hope you have the best Thanksgiving of your life.
Sending love and light from my family to yours.
Healthy Holidays
These ideas are so much better Shared!!
Operation **Reclaim** Loveland 
What do you think?